Mar 14, 2004
Sometimes I feel like one day I'm just going to wake up from this huge dream I've been living and get to go back to the world I once knew such a long time ago.  But it almost hurts to know that I won't.  I'm never going to, I can't.  THIS is reality.  Which in all reality really sucks.  Maybe things will get better once I start highschool, hopefully.  I don't know what I'd do if I had to live the rest of the life like I do.  Always feeling like somebody's after me, always.  Whatever, I'm going to go listen to music and lay on my bed, thinking of you. 

Posted at 04:25 pm by thedissent
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Mar 13, 2004
hmm well i havent wrote in this mother fucker for god knows how long.  im in the process of writing a spiffy song.. BY MY FUCKING SELF.  And you know what? It's starting to sound good, so there, i don't need you.  anyhow, a lots changed since last update.. actualy last update was my birthday, so i am now 14.  i hate birthdays, my last birthday was probably the worst ive ever had.  i was depressed as hell and i dont fucking know why.  oh well, im over it now.  next friday is my friends party, its gonna be fucking awesome.. thers gonna be 3 bands playing, CYBWOTYSO (changing your bra without taking your shirt off, with my good buddy sean as the lead guitar), T-12 (theorem 12, also with my bestest buddies sean and eddie in it, sean guitar, and eddie trapset) and mellowmoto, which i havent heard before, i guess theyre supposed to be like incubus only not as hard?  Yeah, i dont know. but its going to be grand.  i guess im getting suspended for busting up a fire extinguisher... sounds.. lovely huh?  sucky part is, it wasnt even all that fun.  my hamburger dick said he should expell me becasue of my past experiences as well but hes not going to if i agree to talk to some fire fighter dude.. so yeah im doing that. i might even get out of suspension if i talk to that retard.  my moms prego, its gonna be a boy, i can feel it, i vote the name brian or miles.  I like miles more, because its not such a popular name, you dont ehar it around near as much as you hear brian.  or i also like the name brecken... brecken is my favorite, not miles. i changed my mind. brecken, i hope she names it brecken.  anyhow.. im trying to think, i dont think anythings new.. this sucks.  im starting another oil painting, its going to be wicked! yeah well im gonna go so uh ill ttyl kay? bye

Posted at 11:16 am by thedissent
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Feb 23, 2004
paint me
Paint a picture with your heart, of how much I really mean to you, show me exactly what you see in me, paint my soul on the canvas, indulge into me, create a masterpiece. Paint a picture with your soul, creating your every dream in this one picture.. Take my hand, lead me into your world, show me how beautiful life can be. But most importantly, take me away from myself. Paint the pieces of me you want to love, crumble up the pieces that have no meaning, rip the pieces that are destructive.. just create the perfect woman, and I'll become her.

Posted at 12:37 pm by thedissent
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my skys turn from vibrant blue to an angry gray in a matter of seconds my heart skips a beat at the first sight of this monster his crazy etes beaming at me, tearing me down althought i cant see him, i can feel them, behind me, filled with hate yet envy at the same time, envyous that i survived, made it this far yet he despises me so im so small compared to him weak scared i wish i could only escape his presence i only hope nobody else has to feel his hate the ugly smoke rolls out of his dirty mouth through his yellow curroded teeth and past his chapped lips his eyes are bloodshot filled with fire maybe someday hell lave again and this time never come back.

Posted at 12:36 pm by thedissent
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Feb 16, 2004
valentines day just reminds me of how pathetic i am that i don't have somebody to call MINE.  is it too much to ask that couples keep their love to themselves? although, i must say, i enjoyed myself this valentines day... i got to hang out with my two bestest friends... Trevor and Ian...

last night i was trying to fall asleep and i was watching lizzie mc guire and it was the eppisode where she gave advice and stuff for a collum in the school newspaper.. and gordo was in charge of it. things werent working out for lizzie and gordo said that she couldnt quit yet she had to answer just one more email (if you don'ot watch the show, her, and gordo are best friends) and the last one was something like this" dear lizzie, i think im starting to like my best friend more than a friend, what should i do? signed, help"  and lizzie replied to it, not having any idea who it was... and she said she can't tell them what to do, just to follow their heart... its approaching the end of the show and it implies that gordo was the one that wrote the letter, but lizzie didn't have the slightest idea..


Posted at 12:04 pm by thedissent
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Feb 11, 2004
dot dot dot

Homosexuality is becoming more and more open each dayÖ and thatís an awesome thing, but there are so many people that donít accept it. Every one of them, having their bogus reasonsÖ and the one I hear the most is the Christians saying how god says itís a sin. From what I know about god, he was supposed to create every man and woman equal, well I think that if weíre all equal, then we all should be treated equally, which, in reality I know will never happen. But the thing that most people donít realize, or the realize it but donít really BELIEVE it, is that YOU can make a difference. If a kid that you sit by is getting made fun of, stand up for him or her, you never know but you saved their life. Peopleís feelings get hurt real easy, especially if you get made fun of each and every day, and it keeps ripping and tearing at you, that you eventually break. Homosexuality is not an easy thing to live with, lots of people shun you just because you like another male or if your female, like another girl. The world is NOT equal, but if we work on it, we can make it a better place to be. Iím 13, and I know now what many people wonít realize until theyíre an adult, and even then, some wonít realize it. Itís sitting right in front of your face, peopleÖ open your eyes and see it, touch it take it into consideration. Yes, wisdom comes with age, but maturity, is a whole different story, I know many 5 year olds that are already more mature the tons of people that go to my school. Close-mindedness and ignorance is becoming a major problem in society today, more than it ever has before, each and every day- getting worse and worse. As for gay and lesbian marriages; IT NEEDS TO BE LEGALIZED. God forbid, if you honestly fell in love with a person, and thought it was important to get married (yes, Iím talking male and female) and the FUCKING government tells you that you canít because they said so, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? WHAT WOULD YOU FEEL? WOULD YOU DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT? Itís the same story here, folks, two people falling in love, feeling the need to get married, or the want, whatever it is, so be it. NOBODY, absolutely NOBODY should have the right to tell somebody that they canít get married to a person because of something like gender, race, religion. Iím truly sorry if I offend anybody here, but, Christianity and Catholicism is SO MUCH BULLSHIT. HOW come itís a sin to be a homosexual, because some man wrote it on a paper and sent it to sea in a glass bottle? Iím sorry, I really shouldnít be covering this topic because I personally know nothing about religion, but come on, itís common senseÖ NO Christian I talk to can tell me where god came from, I thought everything had to have a beginningÖ? I do believe in a higher-power, but not god. Nothingness (outer space) was created into something, maybe a gas, or a liquid even, the friction causing it to form another and another, call causing a lump of what we call earth, spinning, spinning, that nothingness, that was created into SOMETHING, using that something to create another thing and another and anotherÖ I believe that we MAY be what we call an "extra-terrestrials", perhaps one of MANY! Giving us nothing but life, having to create something out of nothing. For all we know, we could be germs living in a bio-tube, creating our own world, atmosphere, life. There may be no god, Jesus, virgin marry, or any other higher power, in the religious sense. But, we could also be like ants in an antfarm, the ozone layer being the top layer of sand deteroriating more and more each and every FUCKING day

                       B R I D G E T

Posted at 06:59 pm by thedissent
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I've got that wierd feeling..
im afraid its going to happen all over again.... :-(

Posted at 06:56 pm by thedissent
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its really late..
i cant sleep i dont know why- something's bothering me, but i don't know what it is... maybe its everything thats wrong... thus i can't pin-point what IS wrong... but maybe i'm just rambling on incoherently... you never know... How come NOBODY i know... nobody, (my age) seems to "click" with me... male or female... it seems like either people are too good for me or don't see past my looks... im the kind of person that you CANT jusdge by my cover... and you can't know me over- night, or in a day or in a week or even in a year.. probably not even a lifetime.. i'm still trying to figure out where it is that i belong, or IF i belong. 

there is this girl i know.. and she dosnt feel like she needs to continue with life... but she also dosnt want to commit suicide (thankfully).  I think that she just feels lost... but I dont know how to help her, and i'm afraid shes dying more and more every day, she's not the same person... can anybody help me get her back to her happy innocent, successful self? Please..?

Posted at 06:54 pm by thedissent
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news flash

I sit back and watch all of the kids at my school, and, itís amazing how so many of them are SO immature, especially for being in 8th grade, with LESS than HALF of a year left. Why do people make the decisions that they do even if they know itís going to fuck their lives up at least temporarily, and maybe even for the rest of their life? The things people do, and say is amazing. You see girls walking around the halls with their pants too tight and shirt too small with their mid-drifts hanging out, HELLO PEOPLE, youíre only 13/14, you donít need to be doing that, youíve got your whole life ahead of youÖ donít try to act so mature in that field when you act so immaturely in all of the others. What do you want to be when you get older? Money doesnít grow on trees, you know. People have to work damn hard for what they have. There is no reason that you shouldnít too, your just like everybody else, no matter how different you think that you are.

Posted at 06:46 pm by thedissent
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Feb 10, 2004


And this.. is Bridget.. the coolest person in the whole wide world.. Picture taken about the beginning of February... just so you have an idea.. lol Bridget is so cool!

Yes.. yes, now i know that I havent been writing in this much at all lately but I've been pretty busy doing my own shit.. so uh... SUCKS TO BE YOU.. no just kidding well well well nothings new except for the fact that im in fucking chourus and my fucking "teacher" dosnt know how to 1) read music  2) keep on beat and 3) TEACH.. fucking slut.. i hate her.. shes fat too!  Not that I've got anything against fat people.. but fat people that look like her and act like her... yes.. shes a dumb pig.   

Posted at 01:05 pm by thedissent
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Words absolutely cant explane how I feel. They cant express my tormented soul. They cant tell the secrets of my broken heart. They can't even begin to desipher my cry for help. Words. Words. Words. They fill the page, but most are all lies. Confusion. Guilt. Love. Loss. TORMENT. I'm becoming delirious. Am I really crazy?Am I really this person I met today or is it the thing living inside me thats taking over. Dose it all make sense to you? DOES IT ALL MAKE SENSE TO YOU? DOES IT!!!?? Does it matter that im feeling this? Is it normal? Is it making me crazy? Is it? Has she left me for good? Will she forget about me? Will she read about me in the papers after I become a famous artist, musician, or writer? Will she want to meet me? Will she like me? Will she want me again? Will she hold me tight and tell me its okay? Will she admit to being a horrible mother? Will she be sober? Will be be tobacco free? WILL SHE? Look deep into your crystal ball, look deep, deep, deep. Look hard and look close. Tell me what is going to happen to me? To her? Will I continue to die from the inside out? WILL I? WILL I?

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